You're NOT as Old as You Feel

 Anyone who tells you you're as old as you feel must be feeling great, both mentally and physically — or be lying through their private dental plan teeth. Either way, I feel old and it's got something to do with an el cheapo washing machine that weighs a ton and an idiot who thought he was still in his early twenties. 

It was in the summer of 1991 when good ole Roger Murtaugh shouted, "I hurt my back lifting weights this morning! I hurt my back LIFTING WEIGHTS!" I remember sitting in our local movie theater watching Lethal Weapon 3 and laughing my butt off. Lifting weights my foot. He was wearing a 'man's girdle' to keep his big fat stomach in.

Well, I wish I could say the same and get away with it, too. Not that I'm wearing a man's girdle as I type this. Or a woman's girdle for that matter. But I did hurt my back, and I wasn't lifting weights trying to impress Miss Arizona. That, at least, would've been something. No, three days ago I hurt my back lifting a frigging washing machine. A washing machine. Day 1: ouch. Day 2: no pain whatsoever. Day 3: Blue guy is trying to take off his socks and that ouch felt on day 1 multiplied tenfold. Better make that twenty.

The pain was excruciating. It was unbearable. It felt like someone had stabbed me in the lower back with a blunt sword. I screamed out loud and fell on my knees almost hitting my head again the edge of our bathtub. Aaaahhhhhhhhhh! Tears rolled down my cheeks and I didn't know what to do. I thought I'd forgotten how to cry. Guess who was wrong once again. Luckily my phone was within reach so I could call for help.

To cut a long story short, I damaged my lower back and I'm trying my best not to make it worse. Time will tell if it's permanent. All I know is that I feel old walking like a fragile geriatric who thought he was in his early twenties. Sure, there was a time when I could bench press 198 pounds, but those days are over and I'd better believe it. Fifty is not the new forty. Neither is 49.

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