Sexual Healing

So I carefully rubbed some Purell's Room 101 Hand Sanitizer on my sausage. Not because I wanted to prove that I, too, could be a top-notch chef, a second Ramsey if you will, eager to serve the most delicious virus-free smoked Hot Guts sausage you've ever tasted, but because my inner voice had told me this was the future of sex.

Two decades into the 21st century and we're well on our way to making Sandra Bullock's idea of hot intimacy a reality. Remember how she seduced Stallone wearing way too much? That thinking cap sure did a great job of keeping things clean. I think she even used the phrase neurological arousal. Oh my. 

Call it the next step in evolutionary sexuality. You will admit it has a suave ring to it. Wait! Don't French kiss, boys and girls. Beware those germs and viruses. Never mind spit swopping strengthens the immune system. You know, that thing that's only one of the many wonders of the world. Mankind just needs to wreck it. Just because. 

Keep rubbing now. Wreck the sucker and feel proud you've turned 80% of all half-intelligent bipeds into soap fetishists dreaming about their own commercial, their 30 seconds of fame. 

I admit it. When I was a kid, I was never actually encouraged to dive into a fresh puddle of mud, but Mom certainly did not go all ballistic on me each time I stepped onto our porch looking like the Mud Zombie from Hell. She never went hysterical like more than a handful of parents these days when their little princess touches a germ. "Germs serve a purpose, son. There's a reason why they're here." 

Mom always knew best. Now you can't scratch your own pistachios without the Germ Police knocking on your door trying to instill a fear in you that's really hard to shake off. 

So now I carefully apply Room 101 sanitizer to my main man, El Sausage (but say it the French way), drapes pulled closed, of course (because ethics), and I do what Bullock does best. I have safe, clean, germ-free, boring non-sex with a pretty realistic 3D rubber printout of a young lady dressed up as Ms. Covid-19 2020. Her helmet is so spiky. She looks so virussy. 

When I penetrate her with my Sanitizer, I know I'm doing my part. I feel powerful, happy and normal.

The new normal. 

Marvin Gaye would be so proud.

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