An Eggcellent Grumpy Easter To You Too! (Easter Beavers Included)

Eggs are commonly associated with life. With birth. With cute little feathery Tweeties that keep seeing poody cats all over the place and wonder if maybe (just maybe) they're a sandwich short of a picnic. Picnics and eggs.... hmmmmm. Easter and eggs.... what a combo! Well, I hate eggs. I associate eggs notwith life but with death, for the damn things can kill me off just like thatand not feel sorry for a split second

Which is of course too bad, but what can you do about it? The first time my Mom gave me one of those sneaky organic vessels for breakfast (yeah, that's what they are), I nearly sufficated after the first slimy bite. Yes, sir. So that's when I knew something was wrong. Wrong as in, AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! It was like the little bastard spoke to me and said, 'Eat THIS, you blue moron! Eat THIS!' It turned out I was allergic to cute little Tweety eggs, crocodile eggs, BigbirdwoodywoodpeckerIdon'tcarewhatkindof eggs, not to mention your average dinosaur eggs that are dropped like um... 'dinosaur d-d-droppings?' What happens is my throat tightens up while at the same time I somehow manage to  produce more pearly white spit (ew!) than Ben can give his homemade grooming product to Cameron on a good day (eeeeeeew!). 

Which brings me to Easter eggs. ChocolateEaster eggs. Yummy. 

Any sane person loves chocolate Easter eggs. Eggs made from unsweetened chocolate, bittersweet chocolate, Gianduja chocolate, single bean chocolate, milk chocolate, white polar bear chocolate, fairtrade Easter eggs so small you need to upgrade your glasses or demand a refund, handmade luxury Easter eggs the size of melons... my dear Angie sells them all. 

But since Easter is all about being kind to your fellow internet addict, I feel it's my duty to warn you all about one specific type of Easter egg: vanilla cream Easter eggs. Because, you see, it has come to my attention that the wonderful flavor that is vanilla might actually not be vanilla. As that soft, melting chocolate is going down your throat and you feel blessed to be wolfing down something as delicious as a vanilla cream Easter egg, may I remind you that what is sliding down your throat could easily be anal beaver juice. (eeeew?) Let me run that by you again: the vanilla you taste—the flavor that's tantalizing your tongue without the need of a knife—might actually be the result of added flavor-enhancing a.n.a.l. b.e.a.v.e.r. j.u.i.c.e. That's right. Well, the technical term is anal beaver glands, but that doesn't make me very hungry either.

So there you have it: throat-constricting chicken eggs and beaver-butt flavored Easter eggs that taste like vanilla. Other than that, it's all good. 

Bon appetit and Happy Easter everyone!

Or have some ice cream...

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