Good morning, students. I'm back. Not to talk about the bleeps that breed hypocrisy— that kind of got me into trouble with the authorities haha — but to delve deeply, and confidently, into the emergence of a new type of hypersensitivity. What we're dealing with is a ubiquitous mental flaw slowly eating away our collective sense of humor and replacing it with a non-debatable set of rules that dictate what is funny and what is not. Big Brother has well and truly arrived, boys and girls, and he is not amused.
[Shows slide #1, assuming a solemn pose like a messenger of great things.]
Take a good look at this stern face. This is George Orwell, the author of 1984,
a book no one in this room has ever read. Except maybe for Professor Rumbold
sitting over there. Authoritarian states may just be his thing haha.
[Laughter. Professor Rumbold is not amused.]
Morning, Professor Rumbold! Professor Rumbold is the kind gentleman who had me
escorted off the premises the last time I spoke here. You may remember.
Anyway... who would've thought that Orwell's dystopian novel would ring true
today? This may come as a surprise to you, but you have all been successfully
brainwashed. You don't realize 2019 is the new 1984.
Everything needs to be controlled. Humor in particular needs to be controlled —
or so those who have clout and yell by far the loudest on the internet. You
see, even calling you boys and girls is considered an act of
sexism, not a sense of humor allowing you to practice how to take a joke and
develop a healthy resilience should things ever get really serious one day.
Dare I say that many women feel offended when you call them girls,
but when you call a group of men boys, somehow it's all right.
Humor, men and women of the audience, is under attack, and some would argue
that calling you men and women is offensive too. We have to
say, "people of the audience" or "members of the audience"
or comrades.
We have become so sensitive that a joke is all too often seen as an act of
violence. I'm not surprised that today's youngsters are not resilient. You make
a harsh joke and they break.
This new hypersensitivity knows no bounds, so we keep walking on eggshells and
hope for the best: Will I be fired when I say this in public? Is it OK
to make this joke? Will I be thrown in the slammer or just be vilified for a
couple of months by The Online Social Justice Warrior Brigade, the Thought
Police who
think they know what's appropriate humor and what is not?And they do not hesitate to keep
hammering home the message that a certain type of joke is reprehensible until
every single one of us parrots their unifying worldview
to our heart's content. Isn't that correct, Professor Rumbold? Or
should I say, "Comrade Rumbold"? Somehow Comrade Rumbold does
have a politically-correct ring to it.
[Laughter. Professor Rumbold bites his tongue.]
"How
has your day been, Comrade Rumbold?"
"Wonderful.
Just wonderful. How has your day been, Comrade Blue?"
"Excellent.
Feeling particularly comradorious. Don't you just love this red sky?"
"Yes,
I do. Red is my favorite color. In fact, my nickname is Red Rumbold."
"You don't say, Comrade Red Rumbold."
[Laughter.
Professor Rumbold dials a number on his phone and looks at Professor Blue.]
So we keep walking on eggshells and pretend everything is fine. Everything is
NOT fine. Here is slide #2. The telescreens in Orwell's novel and your mobile
phones have a lot in common. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to...
[Two security officers enter the lecture room.]
Well, whaddayaknow, here comes the cavalry. Again. Hello, Security Officer. Put
a smile on your grim face, will you? I know you can say,
"Comrad Rumbold." Can you say "Red Rumbold" for me?
"Rrrrrrrrrrrumbold." Hey, don't touch me. This isn't funny hahaha. Say:
Rrrrrrrrrumbold. Comrad Rrrrrrrrumbold. Look, Big Brother is
watching me, and he's not amused.
[Professor Rumbold is not amused.]
No sense of humor. I rest my case. Boys and girls, I'm going now! I'm...
Study chapters 6 and 8 and grow a spine! I...
[End of transcript.]
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