Sex Boot Camp: For Men Who Suck and Women Who Suck Too

When I treat the world to a piece of exquisitely delicate literature that conceals the naughtiness of its lines like a beaver gently strokes its vanilla glands, no one gets it, so today I'm back to my old forthright-what's-up-with-that self now, feeling like Elvis when he decided not to do Beethoven. Here's the deal, my friends: men don't like dating. They like sex. And when it comes to sex, they usually know dick. Pardon my Swedish. I'm just quoting my inner-self. Good thing there's hope: The Blue Master Boot Camp. Sign up and join in on the fun.

So there's this friend of mine from Colombia—the country, not the space shuttle—who told me more than I wanted to know about www.momlogic.com: what mom's are talking about.'It's great,' she said. 'Mom.logic.com and yada-yada-yada... and there's this sex boot camp for women...'

You know that got my attention. 'A sex boot camp for women... is-that-a-fact?' It got me thinking, too. The reason why women know so much about sex is because they go to sex boot camps. It is not only because they have Cosmopolitan for breakfast and read Momlogic.com in the afternoon. (Men read too, but that's only because they think pictures speak louder than words.) I'd always suspected women have secrets, but this piece of inside information came like a free lunch after dinner. I finally understood that the reason why women know so much about sex and, incidentally, why they feel they have the right to complain to their girlfriends about the supposedly substandard talents of us hunky men is because they go to sex boot camps for women. It's not enough for them to be educated. They have a backup plan.

Well, this sordid inequality has got to stop. I feel it's my duty to stick out my neck for the sake of all men powerless in the Land of Ass and raise them to a higher level of awareness and booty magic. Which is why I present to you: Blue Master Boot Camp, where sex is considered an art, not a dirty game; where it's all about enrichment, not about thinking of one thing only. Where even the most idiotic 'gardener' learns how to water a plant and make it grow all the while listening to the yearns of mother earth. Or father earth. We're all very open-minded here at Blue Master Boot Camp.

But first you need to send in an application form. Given the sad fact that there are so many sex-illiterate men on this planet, we've got no choice but to be extremely selective. Here's an email 'Jane Smith' sent me the other day concerning her husband George.

Dear Blue Boot Camp Master, 

My husband George is a lazy sob who just wants to lie down and let me do all the hard work. He says anyone who can vacuum a rug the way I do shouldn't complain. Do you think I could send him to you? I'm at my wit's end. Our bills are high enough the way it is and batteries aren't really cheap. Please accept him.

Blue Boot Camp Master: If you bring your MasterCard, the answer is yes. We will take good care of George. We've got a horde of women instructors at Blue Master Boot Camp that aren't wet behind the ears who will teach him all the tricks he needs to know to survive your appetite. I will personally have him shown the 'ropes,' have him initiated into the finer art of making melody. He will be 'submerged' and will then emerge a different man. Rest assured, all the women at our boot camp will need to be fully satisfied before he gets his diploma. Please don't forget to bring your MasterCard.

But I'm no sexist. Women who suck are very welcome, too.

What do you think? Are you ready for Blue Master Boot Camp?

* * *